Italian Virgin « Result #1 on Mar 12, 2009, 2:05am »
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
Losing Virginity « Result #2 on Mar 12, 2009, 2:04am »
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
A Short Holiday « Result #3 on Mar 12, 2009, 2:04am »
Alan worked in an office in the city. He worked very hard and really looked forward to his holidays.
¡¡¡¡He usually went to the seaside, but one year he saw an ad in a newspaper "Enjoy country life. Spend a few weeks at Willow Farm. Good food, fresh air, horse riding, walking, fishing. Reasonable prices ."
¡¡¡¡" This sounds like a good idea." he thought, " I' 11 spend a month at Willow Farm. I'll enjoy horse riding, walking and fishing. They'll make a change from sitting by the seaside.
¡¡¡¡Four days later he returned home.
¡¡¡¡"What' s wrong with Willow Farm ?" his friend asked him. " Didn't you enjoy country life ?"
¡¡¡¡"Country life was fine," Alan said." But there was another problem.
¡¡¡¡"Oh, what?"
¡¡¡¡Well, the first day I was there a sheep died, and we had roast lamb for dinner.
¡¡¡¡“Fresh meat is the best.”_"I know, but on the second day a cow died, and we had roast beef for dinner. "
¡¡¡¡"Lucky you!"
¡¡¡¡"You don't understand," Alan said." On the third day a pig died and we had roast pork for dinner."
¡¡¡¡" A different roast every day." Jack exclaimed.
¡¡¡¡"Let me finish," Alan said." On the fourth day the farmer died and I didn't dare stay for dinner!"
Violin Lessons « Result #4 on Mar 12, 2009, 2:04am »
"Daddy, can I learn to play the violin?" young Sarah asked her father. She was always asking for things and her father was not very pleased.
¡¡¡¡"You cost me a lot of money, Sarah," he said. "First you wanted to learn horse riding, then dancing, then swimming. Now it's the violin.
¡¡¡¡"I'll play every day ,Daddy." Sarah said. "I'll try very hard.
¡¡¡¡"All right," her father said. "This is what I'll do. I'll pay for you to have lessons for six weeks. At the end of six weeks you must play something for me. If you play well, you can have more lessons. If you play badly, I will stop the lessons."
¡¡¡¡"0. K. Daddy," Sarah said. "That is fair.
¡¡¡¡He soon found a good violin teacher and Sarah began her lessons. The teacher was very expensive, but her father kept his promise.
¡¡¡¡The six weeks passed quickly. The time came for Sarah to play for her father.
¡¡¡¡She went to the living room and said, "I'm ready to play for you, Daddy.
¡¡¡¡"Fine, Sarah," her father said. "Begin.
¡¡¡¡She began to play. She played very badly. She made a terrible noise.
¡¡¡¡Her father had one of his friends with him, and the friend put his hands over his ears.
¡¡¡¡When Sarah finished, her father said, "Well done, Sarah. You can have more lessons."
¡¡¡¡Sarah ran happily out of the room. Her father's friend turned to him. "You've spent a lot of money, but she still plays very badly. he said.
¡¡¡¡"Well, that's true," her father said. "But since she started learning the violin I've been able to buy five apartments in this build very cheaply. In another six weeks I'll own the whole building!"
Why the Fish Laughed « Result #5 on Feb 27, 2009, 9:21pm »
As a fisherwoman passed by the palace hawking her fish, the queen appeared at one of the windows and beckoned her to come near and show her what she had. At that moment a very big fish jumped about in the bottom of the basket. "Is it a male or a female?" asked the queen. "I'd like to buy a female fish." On hearing this, the fish laughed aloud.
"It's a male," replied the fisherwoman, and continued on her rounds.
The queen returned to her room in a great rage. When the king came to see her that evening, he could tell that something was wrong. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you not well?"
"I'm quite well, thank you. But I'm very much annoyed at the strange behavior of a fish. A woman showed me one today, and when I asked whether it was male or female, the fish laughed most rudely." "A fish laugh? Impossible! You must be dreaming."
"I'm not a fool. I saw it with my own eyes and heard it laugh with my own ears." "That's very strange. All right, I'll make the necessary inquiries."
The next morning, the king told his wazir (minister) what his wife had told him and ordered the wazir to investigate the matter and be ready with a satisfactory answer within six months, on pain of death.
The wazir promised to do his best, though he didn't know where to begin. For the next five months he labored tirelessly to find a reason for the laughter of the fish. He went everywhere and consulted everyone---the wise and the learned, the people skilled in magic and trickery, they were all consulted.
Nobody could explain the mystery of the laughing fish. So he returned brokenhearted to his house and began to arrange his affairs, sure now that he was going to die. He was well enough acquainted with the king's ways to know that His Majesty would not go back on his threat. Among other things, he advised his son to travel for a time, until the king's anger had cooled off somewhat.
The young fellow, who was both clever and handsome, started off and went wherever his legs and his kismet would take him. After a few days, he fell in with an old farmer who was on his way back to his village from a journey. The young man found him pleasant and asked if he might go with him. The old farmer agreed, and they walked along together. The day was hot, and the way was long and weary.
"Don't you think it would be much more pleasant if we could carry one another sometimes?" said the young man. "What a fool this man is!" thought the old man.
A little later, they passed through a field of grain ready for the sickle and waving in the breeze, looking like a sea of gold.
"Is this eaten or not?" asked the young man. The old man didn't know what to say, and said, "I don't know."
After a little while, the two travelers came to a big village, where the young man handed his companion a pocket knife, and said, "Take this, friend, and get two horses with it. But please bring it back. It's very precious."
The old man was half amused and half angry. He pushed away the knife, muttering that his friend was either mad or trying to play the fool. The young man pretended not to notice his reply and remained silent for a long time, till they reached a city a short distance from the old farmer's village. They talked about the bazaar and went to the mosque, but nobody greeted them or invited them to come in and rest. "What a large cemetery!" exclaimed the young man.
"What does the fellow mean," thought the old farmer, "calling this city full of people a cemetery?"
On leaving the city their way led through a cemetery where some people were praying beside a grave and distributing chapatis (unleavened bread) to passers-by in the name of their beloved dead. They gave some of the bread to the two travelers also, as much as they could eat.
"What a splendid city this is!" said the young man.
"Now the man is surely crazy!" thought the old farmer. "I wonder what he'll do next. He'll be calling the land water, the water land. He'll be speaking of light when it's dark, and of darkness when it's light." But he kept his thoughts to himself.
Presently they had to wade through a stream. The water was rather deep, o the old farmer took off his shoes and pajamas and crossed over. But the young man waded through it with his shoes and pajamas on.
"Well, I've never seen such a perfect idiot, in word and deed," said the old man to himself.
Yet he liked the fellow. He seemed cultivated and aristocratic. He would certainly amuse his wife and daughter. So he invited him home for a visit.
The young man thanked him and then asked, "But let me ask, if you please, if the beam of your house is strong."
The old farmer mumbled something and went home to tell his family, laughing to himself. When he was alone with them, he said, "This young man has come with me a long way, and I've asked him to stay with us. But the fellow is such a fool that I can't make anything of what he says or does. He wants to know if the beam of this house is all right. The man must be mad!"
Now, the farmer's daughter was a very sharp and wise girl. She said to him, "This man, whoever he is, is no fool. He only wishes to know if you can afford to entertain him."
"Oh, of course," said the farmer, "I see. Well, perhaps you can help me to solve some of his other mysteries. While we were walking together, he asked whether we should not carry one another. He thought it would be a pleasanter mode of travel."
"Certainly," said the girl. "He meant that one of you should tell the other a story to pass the time."
"Oh yes. Then, when we were passing through a wheatfield, he asked me whether it was eaten or not."
"And didn't you know what he meant, Father? He simply wished to know if the owner of the field was in debt or not. If he was in debt, then the produce of the field was as good as eaten. That is, it would all go to his creditors."
"Yes, yes, of course. Then, on entering a village, he asked me to take his pocket knife and get two horses with it, and bring back the knife to him."
"Are not two stout sticks as good as two horses for helping one along the road? He only asked you to cut a couple of sticks and be careful not to lose the knife."
"I see," said the farmer. "While we were walking through the city, we did not see anyone we knew, and not a soul gave us a scrap of anything to eat, till we reached the cemetery. There, some people called us and thrust chapatis into our hands. So my friend called the city a cemetery and the cemetery a city."
"Look, Father, inhospitable people are worse than the dead, and a city full of them is a dead place. But in the cemetery, which is crowded. with the dead, you were greeted by kind people who gave you bread."
"True, quite true," said the astonished farmer. "But then, just now, when we were crossing the stream, he waded across without taking off even his shoes."
"I admire his wisdom," said the daughter. "I've often thought how stupid people were to get into that swiftly flowing stream and walk over those sharp stones with bare feet. The slightest stumble and they would fall and get wet from head to foot. This friend of yours is a very wise man. I would like to see him and talk to him."
"Very well, I'll go find him and bring him in."
"Tell him, Father, that our beams are strong enough, and then he will come in. I'll send on ahead a present for the man, to show that we can afford a guest."
Then she called a servant and sent him to the young man with a present of a dish of porridge, twelve chapatis, and a jar of milk with the following message: "Friend, the moon is full, twelve months make a year, and the sea is overflowing with water."
On his way, the bearer of this present and message met his little son who, seeing what was in the basket, begged his father to give him some of the food. The foolish man gave him a lot of the porridge, a chapati, and some milk. When he saw the young man, he gave him the present and the message.
"Give your mistress my greetings," he replied. "And tell her that the moon is new, that I can find only eleven months in the year, and that the sea is by no means full."
Not understanding the meaning of these words, the servant repeated them word for word to his mistress; and thus his theft was discovered, and he was punished. After a little while, the young man appeared with the old farmer. He was treated royally, as if he were the son of a great man, though the farmer knew nothing of his origins. In the course of the conversation, he told them everything---about the fish's laughter, his father's threatened execution, and his own exile--- and asked their advice about what he should do.
"The laughter of the fish," said the girl, "which seems to have been the cause of all this trouble, indicates that there is a man in the women's quarters of the palace, and the king doesn't know anything about it."
"Great! That's great!" exclaimed the wazir's son. "There's yet time for me to return and to save my father from a shameful and unjust death."
The following day he rushed back to his own country, taking with him the farmer's daughter. When he arrived, he ran to the palace and told his father what he had heard. The poor wazir, now almost dead from the expectation of death, was carried at once to the king in a palanquin. He repeated to the king what his son had said. "A man in the queen's quarters! Never!" said the king.
"But it must be so, Your Majesty," replied the wazir, "and to prove the truth of what I've just heard, I propose a test. Please call together all the female attendants in your palace and order them to jump over a large pit, specially dug for this purpose. The man will at once betray himself by the way he jumps."
The king had the pit dug and ordered all the female servants of the palace to try to jump over it. All of them tried, but only one succeeded. That one was found to be a man! Thus was the queen satisfied and the faithful old wazir saved.
Soon after that, the wazir's son married the old farmer's daughter. And it was a most happy marriage.
The Good Side of Fear « Result #6 on Feb 24, 2009, 1:59am »
I had the chance to sit down at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego with Joe Montana before he went onto the field with the San Francisco 49ers against Denver in Super Bowl XXIV (1989).wow power leveling, We didn't know it then, but this would be Joe's last Super Bowl, his fourth championship, yet another high point in one of the most remarkable careers not just in pro football, but in all of sports. Joe seemed restless. wow power leveling,He had already won everything there is in this game - the respect of teammates and opponents, coaches and owners, and especially the fans - plus all the awards: multiple League Most Valuable Player (MVPs), Super Bowls, wow power leveling,and Super Bowl MVPs.
I said, "Joe, you can't possibly be scared."
What he said to me is, wow gold,I believe the key to his success and the reason I consider him the greatest quarterback of all time. He said, "If you're not afraid of losing, then losing means nothing."
Every time Joe Montana stepped on the field, he was scared. wow gold,That element of fear kept him sharp through his entire career. If we want to be at our best, we need that same element of fear burning inside of us. It sharpens the focus; keeps the edge.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember what Joe said, wow gold,realizing the truth of it. It has helped me. I know it will surely help you.
This story took place several years ago,wow power leveling, when our boys were about eight years old. It was the first game of the season, and the first game in which the boys began pitching. I went out to discuss ground rules with the umpire and realized that is was also the first year that the boys could steal bases. Unfortunately, we had not gone over this in practice. wow power leveling,So I hurried back to the dugout, gathered my players and proceeded to go over the rules.wow power leveling, As I got to the subject of stealing bases, I announced enthusiastically, "And this year we get to steal!" The news caused the boys to erupt into yelling and cheering. wow gold,Their response left me thinking positively that this might all work out okay after all. wow gold,Then the cheers died down, and as our team was about to take the field, one player loudly exclaimed,wow gold,"Steal what?!" I let out a groan as I realized that the question had come from my son!
Encouraging Words « Result #8 on Feb 17, 2009, 3:40am »
Someone said that encouragement is simply reminding a person of the "shoulders" he's standing on, wow power leveling,the heritage he's been given. That's what happened when a young man, the son of a star baseball player, was drafted by one of the minor league teams. As hard as he tried, his first season was disappointing, and by midseason he expected to be released any day. The coaches were bewildered by his failure because he possessed all the characteristics of a superb athlete, wow power leveling,but he couldn't seem to incorporate those advantages into a coordinated effort. He seemed to have become disconnected from his potential.
His future seemed darkest one day when he had already struck out his first time at bat. Then he stepped up to the batter's box again and quickly ran up two strikes. The catcher called a time-out and trotted to the pitcher's mound for a conference. While they were busy the umpire, wow power leveling,standing behind the plate, spoke casually to the boy.
Then play resumed, the next pitch was thrown - and the young man knocked it out of the park. That was the turning point.wow power leveling,From then on, he played the game with a new confidence and power that quickly drew the attention of the parent team, wow gold,and he was called up to the majors.
On the day he was leaving for the city, one of his coaches asked him what had caused such a turnaround. The young man replied it was the encouraging remark the umpire had made that day when his baseball career had seemed doomed.
"He told me I reminded him of all the times he had stood behind my dad in the batter's box," the boy explained.wow gold,"He said I was holding the bat just the way Dad had held it. And he told me, 'I can see his genes in you; you have your father's arms.' After that, whenever I swung the bat, wow gold,I just imagined I was using Dad's arms instead of my own."
A Perfect Mistake « Result #9 on Feb 11, 2009, 12:12am »
Grandpa Nybakken loved life -- especially when he could play a trick on somebody. At those times, his large Norwegian frame shook with laughter while he feigned innocent surprise, exclaiming, ¡°Oh, forevermore!¡± But on a cold Saturday in downtown Chicago, Grandpa felt that God played a trick on him, and Grandpa wasn¡¯t laughing.
Mother¡¯s father worked as a carpenter.wow power leveling On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes his church was sending to an orphanage in China. On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his glasses, but they were gone. He remembered putting them there that morning, so he drove back to the church. His search proved fruitless.
When he mentally replayed his earlier actions, he realized what happened. The glasses had slipped out of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he had nailed shut. His brand new glasses were heading for China!
The Great Depression was at its height,wow gold and Grandpa had six children. He had spent twenty dollars for those glasses that very morning.
¡°It¡¯s not fair,¡± he told God as he drove home in frustration. ¡°I¡¯ve been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work, and now this.¡±
Several months later, the director of the orphanage was on furlough in the United States. He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China,wow gold so he came to speak on Sunday night at my grandfather¡¯s small church in Chicago.wow power leveling Grandpa and his family sat in their customary seats among the sparse congregation.
¡°But most of all,¡± he said, ¡°I must thank you for the glasses you sent last year. You see, the Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying everything, including my glasses. I was desperate.¡±
¡°Even if I had the money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses. Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this.wow gold Then your crates arrived. When my staffed removed the covers, they found a pair of glasses lying on top.¡±
The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in. Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued: ¡°Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as thought they had been custom-made just for me! I want to thank you for being a part of that!¡±
The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses. But the missionary surely must have confused their church with another,wow power leveling they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items to be sent overseas.
But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face, an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in an extraordinary way.
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